They Ought to Take Us Old Guys

I'm over 60 years of age and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 35 to join the military.) These liberals have got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.

You shouldn't be able to join the military until you're at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. I did until I was 35. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a very, very dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy, we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts! I'm hungry! Where's the remote? Why isn’t this beer cold?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet.

The average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer, and a jaunt through the desert in the heat with a beer with an M-60 would do wonders for his beer belly. (Note there are 24 hours in a day and 24 bottles in a case...another convenient way old guys use to measure time!). An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Even boot camp would be far easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. Nobody that has ever been in combat has seen a 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor does anybody do pushups after completing basic training. Can you hear the Drill Sergeant for the first “Antique Military Brigade” now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one?" Actually, let’s be realistic. The running part of physical fitness is kind of a waste of energy anyway. No one outruns a bullet, particularly a terrorist. Old guys also have the distinct advantage of patience. They would make incredible snipers without having to remember why or who.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, and if his behavior is exemplary, maybe someone will give him the cord to his electric shaver as a Christmas present. An 18-year old has difficulty carrying on a conversation, let alone wearing pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his shorts sticking out. He's hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda can rupture an eardrum, or that a baseball cap has a brim designed to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all good reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them into harm's way.

But now, we old guys are a different story. We can track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11th. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million old farts with attitudes. Even after 30 years of military service, please let me be the first to reenlist and go to Iraq. Then all we ask is to get the liberals out of our way! Winning would be measured in days, not years.

While were at it, us old farts are proposing a new medal to be awarded to deserving members of all branches of the Armed Forces and National Guard. We’ve decided to call it the “Jimmy Carter Freedom Medal.” It is to be awarded to those who have been sent into action with explicit directions to not fight, who follow orders to throw down their weapons and flee upon contact with the enemy or an illegal alien, without firing a single forbidden shot. The design is a bright brass disk with a bas-relief image of the hindquarters of a rabbit, suspended from a yellow ribbon.

They ought to take us old guys.

Red State Patriot

Posted February 3, 2007 02:54 PM
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