Congressional Motors

It's in the way you dress, the way you boogie down, the way you sign your lifetime unemployment annuity check. You're a man or woman who likes to do things your own way.

And on those special odd-numbered Saturdays when driving is permitted, you want those special vibes from your car to turn you on when you turn it on. It's that personal feeling of a zero-emissions wind at your back and a road meandering ahead with remote possibilities. That’s the kind of feeling you get behind the wheel of the new Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition from Congressional Motors.

All new for 2012, the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition is now the mandatory American car. It is so advanced, it is a bargain considering the $100 billion an entire Congress spent to design it. Congress started with the reliable 7-way hybrid ethanol-biodiesel-electric-clean coal-wind-solar-pedal power plant behind the original base model Pelosi, but packed it with extra oomph and the sassy styling pizzazz that tells the entire world that 1974 Detroit is back again -- this time with a vengeance.

Congress has subsidized the features you’ve always wanted and taxed away the rest. With its advanced Al Gore-Reid throat V-3 design under the hood pumping out 22 huge thumping, carbon-neutral ponies of Detroit cartilage, you'll never be late again for the Disco or free lunch at the Day Labor Shelter.

Options include your ability to easily engage the pedal drive, or to strap on the optional jumbo mizzenmast, and the GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition easily exceeds 2016 CAFE mileage standards. At an estimated 268 MPG, that's a savings of nearly $1800 per week in fuel cost over any prior McCain-Lieberman carbon-neutral design.

Even with such remarkably increased performance, Congress didn't skimp on safety. With an 11-point driver and passenger racing harnesses, 15-way airbags, and mandatory hockey ignition-interlock safety helmet, you'll have the security of knowing that you could survive a 45 MPH collision - even if the GTxi SS/Rt were capable of that kind of downhill speed.

But the changes don't stop there. Sporty easy-theft hubcaps, wheels and axles, and an all-new aggressive watermelon-shape design by CM's Chief Stylist Ted Kennedy, the GTxi SS/Rt slices through the wind like a ‘Big Dig’ omnibus spending bill. It even features the latest version of an airtight Kopechne undercarriage designed to keep you and one passenger dry, either in a car wash, or afloat up to 15 minutes in the choppy waters off Nantucket Island or Martha’s Vineyard.

Best of all, the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt will be available in a rainbow of color choices to match any wardrobe, from Harvest Avocado to French Mustard, a favorite of Michelle Obama. A special high capacity hatchback model holds up to 300 aluminum cans and 64 kilos, not to mention millions of dollars of frozen cash. This means fewer trips by liberals to the Guantanamo-style right-wing interrogation centers. And with the standard 3-speaker Fairness ActoPhonic single-channel FM low-band sound system, you'll never miss a segment of NPR again.

Most importantly, the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt is assembled right here in the USA from New York Times-leaked Yugo design documents by fully card-checked unionized workers and a cadre of Detroit's famous visionary jet-set CEO’s. Even if you don't own one of these remarkable biodegradable rust-enhancing paperweights, you can enjoy the patriotic satisfaction of supporting the astronomical wages, unlimited benefits, rock-star work hours and NFL-style retirement, open-ballot union elections and Chicago-style political donations that are sure to make the American car industry once again the envy of the world.

Why not buy one!? With an MSRP starting at only $129,999 before taxes or $629,000 out the door, it's a steal (from taxpayers). Don't forget to ask about dealer incentives and manufacturer’s rebates, government tax credits, gender incentives, racial allowances, and wealth redistribution plans applicable to many Shariah-compliant special-interest groups. Easy-pay financing programs are available from the newly reincarnated and taxpayer-funded 2nd iteration of Barnie’s Fannie Mae and Freddie’s Big Mac.

So take the bus you’ve been owed for centuries to your local Congressional Motors dealer today and find out why the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition is the only car endorsed (for you) by California’s Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. Only one test drive will convince you that you would have chosen a Ford or GM if you had been given a choice.

Posted December 16, 2008 04:46 PM
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